Napoleon

Total Score : 31/100

January 2, 2025

So, we just binged Napoleon, and wow... this movie felt like a chore from beginning to end. It’s like watching paint dry, except the paint occasionally yells orders in French. I cant actually begin to describe to you how much i moved my hands in frustration whilst watching this show.

Plot Score : 3/10

The plot was ambitious, trying to cram Napoleon's entire life into one film, but it felt like it bit off way more than it could chew. Instead of focusing on key moments and letting them breathe, it felt like we were just checking off historical bullet points. One second he’s storming a palace, and the next he’s getting exiled. There was no real flow or emotional investment. I wanted to care, but everything felt so disjointed and lifeless. Even the battles, which should have been the highlight, felt rushed and uninspired. Historical accuracy? Forget about it. I can usually forgive creative liberties, but this just felt lazy. The movie couldn't decide if it wanted to be a war epic, a political drama, or a twisted love story, and in the end, it was none of those things.

Characters score : 4/10

Napoleon himself felt more like a caricature than a real person. Joaquin Phoenix gave it his best, but the script gave him absolutely nothing to work with. He came off as either stiff or bizarrely emotional at random points, making it hard to figure out who he was supposed to be. Josephine was slightly more interesting, but her entire arc revolved around being either mysterious or tragic without much development. There was zero chemistry between the leads. I get that their relationship was supposed to be complicated, but it just felt awkward. Every scene they shared left me wondering why they were even together in the first place.

Visuals Score : 6/10

Alright, I’ll give credit where it’s due – the movie looked decent. The costumes, set design, and cinematography were probably the best parts. But even then, it felt like all the effort went into recreating the era visually without actually making it feel alive. Some shots looked like fancy oil paintings, which is cool, but I’m not watching a movie just for aesthetic vibes.

Pacing Score: 2/10

Absolutely brutal. This movie dragged so much. Scenes felt unnecessarily long, and when the plot finally picked up, it was like hitting fast-forward through the interesting parts. There were multiple times I checked the runtime, and each time it felt like it should have been over by then. It just wouldn't end.

Dialogue Score: 3/10

The dialogue was stiff and awkward. For a movie about one of the most charismatic leaders in history, it sure didn’t feel like anyone had anything compelling to say. Half the time, it felt like characters were reading from a textbook.

Music Score: 5/10

The score was fine but forgettable. It wasn’t bad, but it didn’t elevate anything either. For a film that desperately needed something to add excitement, the music felt oddly restrained. This could have been the one saving grace, but nope.

Emotional Influence : 2/10

I felt nothing. No excitement, no sadness, not even frustration – just boredom. It was hard to get emotionally invested when everything felt so distant. Even when tragic things happened, I just didn’t care.

Direction Score : 3/10

Ridley Scott usually knows how to handle grand historical epics, but this one missed the mark. It felt like he wanted to cover everything without focusing on anything. The tone was all over the place, and it lacked the intensity or drama needed to make a story like Napoleon’s work. It’s like he filmed all the scenes but forgot to connect them with any real heart or energy.

Bingeability Score : 1/10

Nope. I wouldn't watch this again even if someone paid me. If anything, I barely made it through once. It felt like homework.

Overall Enjoyment Score : 2/10

I felt nothing. No excitement, no sadness, not even frustration – just boredom. It was hard to get emotionally invested when everything felt so distant. Even when tragic things happened, I just didn’t care.